I don’t mean to be religious nor am I trying to convert anyone. This is just a post on my own experience and personal struggle. About 3 years ago I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was going through a very personal, stressful, and hurtful time in my life and the only thing that made sense to me were the words of God. I have never regretted this decision, and it was a long journey for me to get there. It still is a long journey. I cried so hard when I made that walk. It was just something inside me that told me that day, was the day that I needed to. It made sense to me. I felt it all inside me. I felt it in my heart. I felt it in my mind. And I felt it in my being. I remember fondly that a friend asked me if I thought it would make things easier, and I said I didn’t know, “Because it’s not,” she said, “this is just the beginning and it’s going to be that much harder.” Those words are still ingrained in my head, each and every single day. Yes, I am a Christian. Am I a good one or not is for Him to decide and judge. I don’t take this judgment with a grain of salt from anyone else. Anyway, less than a year ago, through more personal problems I decided to leave the church. It didn’t have anything to do with God or anything like that. The same friend and I had a falling out and she was actually a member of the church I attended. It was best that I left to lessen the awkwardness I already felt. Since then I have been attending different churches and it just….wasn’t the same. The services weren’t the same. The messages weren’t the same. The ambiance wasn’t the same. I was very ambivalent about going again. I hear a lot of people say that all words of God are the same. As long as you walk with faith and not by sight, that you are on the right path. I have to disagree strongly. When I attended my former church, the moment I walked in and the moment I walked out, I felt….whole. The services I attended, I was never short of a tear. The messages always hit me to the core. Made me think that my life was worth God in it. The moment I left, I felt…so empty. It’s not to say that I don’t believe in God anymore, I still do, but I just don’t feel that I am on the right path anymore. Since leaving, I really felt that I have strayed. I feel so conflicted inside and I feel that every single day, I’m just struggling. How can you walk with faith, when the messages conveyed from different services are so lost to you? It’s not to say that I don’t respect these Pastors. I do. I respect anyone who dedicates their life and time through God. It’s just that I have such a hard time understanding what message they are trying to get across. My mind is convoluted as it is, it just gets more confused when I’m not hearing the right words. I’m not going to list any examples, this is just my own personal confliction. A lot of time has passed since I have made any communication with my old church. Today, I found out that the Pastor is getting a divorce and is leaving the church. I know these things happen, what with my own personal family experience, but I was in complete shock when I heard that news. The way he talks about his wife and family, I never could imagine such thing. Anyway, I digress, I really had my heart set on returning to the church and finding my way back, but now…what do I do? Does anyone have their own personal experience with this kind of problem?
You might be sitting with him at the kitchen table drinking coffee from mismatched mugs and saying nothing because sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to say. He’s miles away, and you’re thinking you should take a shower or fix your hair or at least brush your teeth because you feel dirty and self-conscious. You wish the sun weren’t so bright on your face and you wish there was something other than corn flakes for breakfast so your stomach won’t start making hideous noises. You’re about to open your mouth and say something to break the silence, but he speaks first. He tilts his head slightly and says:
“You make me really happy.”
And you will agree he does, too."